Tag Archives: humor

Just Call Me “Ms. Organization”!

At the office, Barbara was known as the Post-It Queen.  The multi-colored, adhesive-backed bits of notepaper cluttered her computer monitor, her phone, and the calendar on her desk.  Her co-workers couldn’t believe she relied on an organizer/appointment book, so riddled with Post-Its and crammed with scraps of paper, coupons, and newspaper clippings, she had to secure it with a large rubber band.

“Why don’t you use the organizational apps on your computer and smartphone?” her friend, Dee, asked her after the rubber band broke and papers floated like confetti on the breeze.

“I like my system,” Barbara defended while scampering on her hands and knees to capture the intricate details of her life before she lost them.  The next day, she missed an important teleconference and realized she needed to change her ways.  A nearby bookstore had a section devoted to organization.  By the number of books on the subject, Barbara ascertained providing instruction to people so they could deal with their messy lives was a lucrative industry.

The more promising book titles were removed from their shelves for a thorough assessment.  A final selection was made, and Barbara walked with determination to the checkout counter.  Her life was never going to be the same after this important purchase.

Barbara cradled her pathway- to-a-new-reality in her arms as she went home.  A weekend spent in contemplation and enlightenment awaited her.  Next week, she planned to put into practice her new organizational skills.  But first, Barbara needed to remove some clutter from her coffee table for her new book.  She stuffed the newspapers and adverts under the table.

Wanting to be in a relaxed mood to enable her full concentration, Barbara took a bubble bath.  But first, she removed the dirty laundry from the bathroom and placed it in a pile in the hall.  Then, she searched for the expensive bath salts she purchased six months ago.  Barbara removed all of the items from under her sink.  She emptied the shelf in the linen closet with shampoos, moisturizers, and mouthwash.

She couldn’t find them.  Well, after this weekend, she wouldn’t worry about misplacing items.  Everything would be in its designated place.  How wonderful it would be!  She could already imagine the looks of envy her friends would give her when they saw her clean apartment.

Since a soothing bath wasn’t in the cards, Barbara decided a cup of tea messas she ingested the wisdom from ‘Organization for the Busy Professional’ would be just as good.  Her mother gave her some tea for Christmas.  Barbara checked every cupboard in the kitchen until she found it in its gift bag sitting on top of her refrigerator behind some other items.  Now, to find a teapot.

After a lengthy search, Barbara lay back on her couch tossing and kicking items off to make room.  Her new book sat under a layer of clutter.  When she awoke the next morning on the couch, she was unable to remember where she put her new book.  It took her most of the weekend to find it.  But she did find it under a blanket, some pillows and a newspaper or two.

Closing the book with a decisive thump, Barbara smiled in triumph.  Now she had the necessary tools to become more organized.  Barbara considered herself a free spirit, and didn’t feel the saying “Cleanliness is next to Godliness” was true.  A new way of life was around the corner.   Barbara was sure everyone would be calling her Ms. Organization before too long.

*Author’s Note:  This short story was written in response to the writing prompt — Organization.

 

Falling Behind

Just as the temperatures fall from the humid 90’s of August to the pleasant 70’s of September, and Autumn heralds its imminent arrival with the subtle changes in the color of the trees around us, I feel the panic of Falling Behind.  

I’m an erratic list maker.  I have lists on my iPhone, in the notebook I use for jotting notes for my writing inspirations and in my journal I have fondly dubbed “My Brain”.  It holds the items my aging synapses are unable to retain in any order.  In my fifth decade, I blame it on all of the names, phone numbers, account numbers and birthdates I have tried to compile in the (let’s face it!) minute amount of gray matter I was born with.

I have a special To Do List which I made three years ago.  I cataloged all of the updates I wanted to make to our home.  I went around room by room listing all of the changes and maintenance items I needed to tackle.  I have crossed off about two things on the list.

Oh, I have my reasons.  Summer overwhelms with family events, camping trips, and outdoor concerts.  Last summer, I had a broken wrist and for much of the summer, I wore a cast.  After it had come off, my dominant right hand and arm were weakened to the point I couldn’t accomplish many of the items on my list.

This year, in addition to the multitude of summer affairs we attend, our youngest son got married on an island in the Carribean.  Yup, I didn’t get very much done.  Now, I am looking at a list older than the two year old, furbaby next to me.  Thinking to myself, ‘If it wasn’t raining, I could’ve painted outside today…’

How many of you have To Do Lists with still too many “To Do’s” on it?

 

 

 

24 Stories for Charity

As writers, we can bend the worlds we create in any direction we wish.  But in the harsh reality of the world we live, poverty, homelessness and disease are a part of the day-to-day struggle  of many people’s worlds.

The OMP (One Million Project) is an effort by writers and artists to help those who are caught in those struggles.  Please take a moment to check out  24 Stories for Charity .

An Electronic Love Affair, Of Sorts

I received the email from my cell phone provider telling me it was time to move on, upgrade, etc.  Up until this point, my cell phones had been more utilitarian and nothing like the mini computer / phone I currently use.

My phone had been beside me on all of my walks providing music to motivate me.  It helped me navigate strange roads and even learn a “poco” bit of Spanish.  Obviously not enough.  Now I was being told it was time to leave it behind.

True, it really didn’t have enough memory for my growing collection of apps.  I put all of my photos and books in the cloud, but my music and apps like Facebook took a lot of megabytes.  I’d always have to delete one app to load another.  Sigh.

It was time to take the leap.  Of course, once I arrived at the store, I deduced none of the penny phones would do.  I stood before the display of the newer generation of phones.  With all of my apps, it wouldn’t make sense to change brands. One phone was less money (which is code for still a shitload of money), but it was smaller in size than my current one.  I had enough problems with typing on my faithful little blue phone.  No way would this one work.

The other potential replacement was much larger.  It had a lot of GB’s, 64 GB’s to be exact.  What couldn’t I do with so much memory?  It would be easier to type on, easier to read my books when my Kindle wasn’t available to use and it was BIG!  The American way of thinking is ‘the bigger, the better’, right?

I told them to ring me up.  What was a few…several hundred dollars compared to the new relationship I would be developing with my new buddy?   This phone would be in my presence more often than my husband.

I took my new rose-gold lifeline-to-the-world home with me.  After downloading all of my apps again and getting familiar with it, I had a sudden shocking realization.  My new phone wouldn’t fit in my back pocket or any pocket.  It wouldn’t fit in the armband I specifically purchased for my cell phone for easy access and convenience during my long walks.

Just like a real love affair, sometimes the little irritating traits don’t show up until after the commitment has been made.  And as we do in real life, we adapt and accept those quirks, because you can’t live without them anymore.

Stumped

Wayne took his farmer’s cap off and used his handkerchief to mop the perspiration from his forehead and balding pate.  He stuffed the kerchief into his back pocket and shook his head.

“I don’t know Miss Lydia.  This sure is a puzzle,” he said as he set his cap back in its place.

“There has to be something we can do!  That thing is ruining my plans.”  Miss Lydia lamented.  She was definitely in a sour mood.  In all of her 86 years, she hadn’t let a little problem defeat her.  This one would be overcome as well.  As they stood in Miss Lydia’s yard, a crowd was starting to gather.  In a small town such as Sinippi Cove, anything could serve as an opportunity to congregate.  Each new addition looked the situation over thoroughly before passing judgement.

Harvey, who was a member of Sinippi Cove’s volunteer fire department, offered, “Fire might do the trick.”

“I was thinking we needed some chains,” Tug from the hardware store suggested.  Clyde Parks had seen the group and felt he should be present at any gathering being he was the mayor of Sinippi Cove.

“What is going on here?” Clyde’s booming voice questioned.  Miss Lydia gave him a look that would have turned the average man to stone, but you see, Clyde had survived much worse during the Great War having lost his right leg.  A prosthetic was secured to his stump, and he was proud that he could keep up with all the young whippersnappers who had collected in Miss Lydia’s yard.  Miss Lydia just pointed her finger at the offensive object.

“Dynamite would take care of it,” Clyde asserted.  As mayor, he felt he could offer solutions that others might not have the authority to suggest.

“What?  Blow my house to kingdom come and back?   Humphf!”  Miss Lydia started to mutter which was definitely not a promising sign.  There followed a display of throat clearing, head scratching and shuffling of feet as they waited for another morsel of wisdom concerning the current predicament.

Clarice Travers carried a tray of moisture covered glasses containing cold lemonade handing them out to the conclave of citizens.  Murmured thanks were given for the kind contribution.  The sun was getting higher in the sky, and the temperature was going to reach the triple digits soon.

Suggestions included horses,  chemicals, and Pinterest.  “What in blue blazes is this Pintfester?  Don’t waste my time,” Miss Lydia threatened.  “Humphf, Pinterranets.  Bull puckey.”

“No, Miss Lydia, it’s P…”  The speaker was elbowed and shushed.  No one wanted to get on the wrong side of the octogenarian.  A group of Red Hat Ladies, heading for a luncheon, stopped.  It looked like a party, and anyone familiar with Red Hat Ladies knows they love parties.  It is the whole reason they exist.  The noise escalated to ear drum rupturing levels as the females bestowed their combined knowledge on the assemblage.

The tree stump would have to wait.  Miss Lydia wanted a nap.

The Best of Intentions

I admit it.  I’m not good at always following through.  I’ve had diaries, journals and another blog before I started this one.  It had been over a year between posts.

Yikes!  A lot happened…I’ve had my reasons.  Seriously, I have.  Four things occurred in my life which interfered with my blog time.

Oh?  Just four.  Yes, I can hear voices in my head.  I feel I need to disclose to my readers — I do talk back (thought you should know).   Also, I have the privilege of having only sarcastic voices.  I blame my early years in NYC and an Irish Catholic dad from the South Bronx for this issue.  Back to the matter at hand (as you can see I might have ADD too).

The first event was on Thanksgiving eve 2014, my eldest son decided he would like to be the proud owner of a yellow lab puppy.  I felt the spirit of the holiday and agreed it would be great to have a dog around the house again.  We drove over 5 hours round trip that same night to get him.  I know…

Number Two — I developed a severe case of puppy caretaker syndrome.  Every photo I took had a puppy in it.   Every conversation revolved around the puppy.  My daily schedule was now dictated by a small dog.  He didn’t stay small for long.  But that is another story for another time.

Number three is not humorous.  My mom got sick.  Very sick.  At 80 years of age, she needed more help than my other non-medical siblings could provide.  I spent 6 months with her.  Occasionally returning home to assure my husband I still lived there.  My mom is better, is able to live in her own home, and I’m able to live in mine.

I returned home to a half-grown lab and time on my hands.  Here comes number four — I read a lot.  My Kindle has now become two Kindles so I can always have one charged. Can anyone say “Addiction!”?   I joined a writing forum, and  I started to write.  I love it, and spend my time reading other writer’s work, writing on my own projects and occasionally posting on my site.

A yellow lab can be found in some of my books.  I guess you know where I get my inspiration.

How Not to Blog

I think the axiom that “it always looks easier than it is” holds true for blogging.  I didn’t think it would be so difficult to decide on what sort of format I would choose?  Do I add gadgets?  And if so, how many?  I think I changed the template and layout about 30 times!

That calls into question whether or not I am too indecisive or too much of a perfectionist.  I can tell you right now that perfectionism is not something I’m too worried about.  So that leaves indecision… And the main impetus of doing this blog is “What Will I Do Now??”  So it works.

A photograph was necessary for the website, blog, Facebook, twitter, etc.  I am a novice at taking “selfies”.  I don’t particularly like having my photo taken.  So, I am trying to use my smart phone which I hate to admit is smarter than I am at times. There are so many steps to remember!  I have to get the right lighting, try not to get my fingers in the photo or the clutter on the table and try not to look so startled.  Having seen the “selfies” my nieces seem to create daily, I knew I would have to make some choices about whether I should do a “fish face”, open my mouth in surprise as if I didn’t realize I was going to take a photo of myself, or put my hand on my hip like I’m on the red carpet.  I didn’t make any of these choices so I think my photo is unique in its own way.

I haven’t seen this kind of selfie yet 🙂

I’m not sure that my nieces would approve, but I believe that good dental care is important.


My journey of self-fulfillment and actualization was at a standstill today.  I had to run errands.  I worked on my blog.  Oh, and I took a few “selfies”.

The Hungry Games

I plan on posting some of my short stories and excerpts of my novels for your enjoyment.   Watch for future posts of my original stories.

Natalie jumped up and down in front of her mirror trying to suck in her gut.  She pulled the edges of her pants together in the hopes that a miracle would happen and she would get them close enough to zip up her lucky jeans.

At least they used to be her lucky jeans.

“Nat! Come on, we need to leave,” her roommate, Claudia yelled.

“Just a sec, I’ll be out in a minute!”  Natalie hopped to her bed.  One more thing to try.  She flopped onto her back holding her breath while she prayed for divine intervention.

Almost there.  Finally, they zipped.  She lay there wondering if she could actually get up from the bed.  Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.

“Nat!  I’m leaving with or without you.” Claudia sounded pissed off.

Natalie rolled onto her side using her arms to prop herself up into a semi-sitting position.  She heard the front door open.  If she wasn’t meeting up with a guy she had a huge crush on, she wouldn’t even go.  Natalie couldn’t miss a chance to catch his eye.

Natalie shuffled stiff-legged towards her bedroom door.  She walked like a zombie in that TV show.  That would draw attention.

As she moved down the hallway, she heard Claudia gasp, “How’d you even get those on?  You can barely walk.  Can you even sit?”  Claudia walked around her in a circle shaking her head.

“These are my lucky jeans and I really thought I needed to wear them tonight, but I guess I’ve gained a bit of weight,”  Natalie mumbled embarrassed by her lack of discipline.  “I’ll figure it out.  Let’s just go, alright.  I don’t want to be late.”

Natalie lurched out to the car and with some maneuvering she was able to close the car door.  She reclined her seat back as far back as possible.  Natalie was positive the blood supply to her legs was cut off.  Her legs felt numb.

“You aren’t going to be able to sit at a table,” Claudia helpfully informed her.

“I can hang at the bar.  I won’t be eating anyway.  I’m on a diet.  Now.”  Natalie paused when she saw her friend’s cynical look.  “Besides my jeans would burst if I tried to eat.”  Natalie’s stomach growled loudly.  She shot a worried look at Claudia.  Her friend laughed so hard she snorted.  “That’s right, laugh.  Ha ha.  I’m starving.”

The car pulled into the parking lot of the bar & grill.  Claudia took pity on Natalie and offered her hand to help her get out of the car.  Natalie’s breathing was shallow due to her inability to take a deep breath.  She promised herself that she’d never ever eat another slice of pizza or have a piece of cheesecake again.

“Do I look fat, Claudia?”

“Sweetie, you look like your jeans are painted on you.  Don’t look now — here they come,” Claudia whispered.    Natalie’s dream guy approached with a smile just for her.

Her jeans were lucky.